People Pleasing: The Habit That Keeps You From the Life You Want
By Maureen Doyle, Life Coach
Creating a new beginning for yourself requires one essential thing: getting radically honest with yourself.
And that often means letting go of people pleasing.
It sounds simple. But if you're like many of us, people pleasing is practically part of your personality. You want to be kind. You want to be liked. You want to avoid conflict. And slowly, without noticing, your needs, desires, and truth begin to take a back seat—or vanish altogether.
So why do we do it?
The Primal Pull to Belong
It turns out that people pleasing has roots deep in our evolutionary wiring. We are social beings, designed to live in small communities—30 to 60 people gathered around a shared fire, food, and purpose. Belonging wasn’t a luxury—it was survival. If you got kicked out of the tribe, you didn’t just lose friends. You lost shelter, protection, food. You were vulnerable and exposed. And you might not survive.
That fear of being cast out still lingers in our nervous systems, even if today’s “cave” looks more like a group chat or office team. The desire to be liked, approved of, accepted—it runs deep. So we say yes when we mean no. We offer help when we’re already stretched thin. We bite our tongue to keep the peace. We tell ourselves we’re just being nice.
But let’s call it what it really is: people pleasing is lying.
When you say yes but mean no, when you pretend to enjoy something you don’t, when you hide your truth to avoid discomfort—you’re not being honest. Not with others, and not with yourself.
People Pleasing Feels Good… Until It Doesn’t
People pleasing can feel amazing in the moment. You say yes, and the other person smiles. You’re seen as helpful, generous, kind. You get that little dopamine hit, that rush of approval. It’s like a sugar high for the soul.
But what happens next?
You go home and sit with the gnawing regret. Why did I agree to host when I’m already exhausted? Why did I say yes to dinner when all I want is a quiet night? You start judging yourself. You feel resentful. And worse—you feel disconnected from yourself.
That’s the cost of chronic people pleasing: a life lived for others, while you slowly disappear.
Losing Your Truth
One of the biggest dangers of people pleasing is that you lose touch with what you actually want. You get so good at molding yourself to fit others’ needs that you forget your own.
What do you like?
What lights you up?
What drains you?
What relationships feel energizing, and which ones feel like obligation?
You can’t answer those questions if you’re constantly shaping yourself to be liked.
The irony? People pleasing feels like love, but it’s conditional. It’s based on the idea that you’ll only be loved if you say what people want to hear. True love—of yourself and others—includes honesty. It’s being real, even if that honesty causes temporary discomfort.
Discomfort Is Not a Problem
Here’s the truth: being honest isn’t always comfortable. Telling someone “no” might bring up guilt, fear, or anxiety. Your nervous system might scream, Danger! Rejection ahead!
But discomfort is not a problem. It’s just a signal that you’re stepping into something new.
Speaking your truth is like using a muscle that’s been weak from years of disuse. It’s shaky at first. But like any workout, the discomfort means you’re building strength.
This isn’t about being selfish or rude. It’s about being authentic. You can be kind and honest. You can say no with love. And you can stop betraying yourself just to keep the peace.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Our minds are master storytellers. When faced with a choice, the internal dialogue can sound something like:
If I say no, they’ll be mad.
They won’t ask me again.
They’ll think I’m selfish.
I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
We rehearse every possible negative outcome and assume them all to be true. But are they?
More often than not, they’re just thoughts—unexamined fears dressed up as facts.
What if saying no actually opens space for a deeper connection built on honesty? What if the people who really matter want to know the real you—not just the agreeable version?
A Practical Tool for Breaking the Habit
One of the tools I’ve used to shift this habit is simple but powerful. When someone asks me to do something, I say:
“That sounds great—I just need to check my calendar and get back to you.”
This buys time. It creates space to pause, to breathe, and to actually consider what I want.
Then I check in. Not just with my mind, but with my body.
There are three ways to make a decision:
With your mind – weighing pros and cons, logic and analysis.
With your body – tuning into your physical response.
With both – the sweet spot of clarity.
The mind can argue both sides with equal passion. You’ve probably experienced this:
You should go—it would mean a lot to her. You might have fun. Don’t be flaky.
But you’re exhausted. You haven’t had a night off in a week. You’ll regret saying yes.
Your brain becomes a courtroom, endlessly debating.
The body, on the other hand, is honest and fast. When you pause and ask, “Do I want to go to this dinner?”—you’ll feel the truth. Excitement? Dread? A tight chest? A peaceful yes?
Trust that signal. And then decide.
Even if you choose to go, do it with clarity and awareness. Know why you’re choosing it. That honesty, even with yourself, changes everything.
Start with Self-Honesty
Here’s the first step to break free: get honest with yourself.
You don’t have to change anything right away. Just start noticing.
Where are you saying yes when you mean no?
Where are you pretending to enjoy something you don’t?
Where are you showing up for others but abandoning yourself?
Awareness always comes first. From there, change becomes possible.
Reacquaint Yourself With… You
People pleasing often becomes such a default mode that we forget who we really are. Reconnecting with yourself might feel unfamiliar at first.
But the reward? You begin to live a life that actually feels good to you.
And here’s a question worth asking: if someone doesn’t like the real you—the one with boundaries, preferences, and opinions—isn’t that something you want to know?
You’re not here to live someone else’s version of a good life.
You’re here to live yours.
Your Challenge This Week
Start small.
This week, practice noticing when you’re about to people please.
Pause. Breathe. Ask yourself:
What do I actually want here?
What would be honest?
Can I live with the discomfort of speaking my truth?
You don’t need to overhaul everything overnight. Just start with awareness. Start by getting reacquainted with your truth.
Your new beginning begins with honesty—and that includes being honest with yourself.